This is the most slippery of subjects. It is the most greyed, blurred line, unaddressed and poorly dealt with issue of our modern times.
Passive aggressive is rife in our homes, communities and workplaces.
The cultural confusion of being brave and saying what you think and stand for, to the view that when people make this stand they are deemed aggressive and bullying just because it doesn’t align with someone else thoughts or beliefs.
Delivery is important I must admit. Known for having a view at times and i didn’t get it across because of the delivery, volume, speed and coming in a bit ‘hot’ on the topic doesn’t keep minds open. I’m certainly guilt of that.
To be brave is a tricky business and it doesn’t surprise me why there is a lack initiative and leadership in this country.
Confusion maybe around the feeling when someone holds you to account. You feel uncomfortable because you have been called out on a specific occasion. You know deep down you have not done your best and genuinely looked after the best interest of the business, your family or yourself. The level of responsibility taken by the person approached in this equation is usually low. This leads them to feel guilty, caught out and due to their unhealthy ego will start to blame others for the deficiency. This is where things get tricky. Trying to prove their passive aggressive behavior is very difficult and at times impossible.
The clever passive aggressor quietly goes about their insidious work, patiently and planning their next moves.
To the unsuspecting and inexperienced, the passive aggressor will create tension and frustration and wait patiently for their trap to be sprung.
The trap is set for the other people getting progressively frustrated, possibly infuriated that they address the passive aggressor and the passive aggressor acts with shock at how someone could behave in such a way and claim the behavior aggressive and possibly start HR action or claim the role of victim to the attack or both.
It’s an awful cancerous, negative and stifling behavior that must be rooted out.
Super Dads out there, be bold, be brave, be strategic as you start to work through the tricky domain of passive aggression.
Be clear of what you stand for. Be clear on your WHY.
Be clear in your message that you will not accept this behavior.
It will be disguised in a range of ways and may go unnoticed at times. Once identified remember that your tone, timing, volume and body language must be neutral to avoid claims of aggression as you seek to cut out this cancer. Where possible have a witness to your approach.
Be smart.
Be wise.
Beware.
Below is a fantastic blog from Amy Morin.
9 Things Only Passive-Aggressive People Do
While an occasional passive-aggressive approach to life’s problems isn’t unusual, for some people manipulation and indirect communication are a way of life. Passive-aggressive people often go undetected in the office and in their social circles—at least initially—because they disguise their seething hostility with a pleasant demeanor.
Here are nine things only passive-aggressive people do:
1. They Deliberately “Forget” to Do Things
Passive-aggressive people prefer to be viewed as “absentminded” rather than disagreeable. Instead of declining to work on a project, a passive-aggressive co-worker may claim he forgot about the deadline. Or a passive-aggressive friend may say she forgot to make reservations for that restaurant you’d been talking about because she didn’t actually want to go.
2. They Say Yes When They Have No Intention of Following Through
In an effort to look like people-pleasers, passive-aggressive people rarely say no. They may ignore invitations altogether, only to later claim they never received the invite. They often robustly agree to face-to-face invitations—even the things they have no desire to do. To escape their obligations, they may cancel plans at the last minute by feigning an illness or emergency.
3. They Engage in Backstabbing Behavior
It’s not that passive-aggressive people don’t share their opinions—it’s that they don’t share them in an upfront manner. They’re likely to complain to everyone except the person they’re complaining about. Their indirect approach hurts relationships and does nothing to solve problems.
4. They Are Inefficient on Purpose
Passive-aggressive people are stubborn. When they don’t want to do something, they often become as inefficient as possible to avoid getting the job done. Rather than say, “I’m having trouble with this project,” a passive-aggressive person may procrastinate on purpose in the hope someone else will take over.
5. They Mask Their Resentment With a Smile
Passive-aggressive people don’t express their anger or displeasure in an open manner. Many of them have years of resentment and bitterness built up, and it’s often lurking just beneath a phony smile. No matter how much they disagree with what you’re saying, they’ll work hard to appear as though they fully support your statements.
6. They Seek Revenge
Hidden beneath their outwardly agreeable personas is a desire to punish those who have hurt them. Passive-aggressive people often go to great lengths to retaliate against individuals they believe have taken advantage of them. Their plots for revenge are often indirect—an anonymous angry email or a nasty rumor spread throughout the office are just a couple of the approaches passive-aggressive people may take.
7. They Exhibit Learned Helplessness
Passive-aggressive people don’t believe they have much control over the events in their lives. Rather than take steps to solve problems, they convince themselves, “there’s no use trying, because I can’t do anything about it anyway.” Their passive approach unnecessarily subjects them to more hardship and, unfortunately, many of their negative predictions turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.
8. They Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Confrontation
Even when they’re deeply offended, passive-aggressive people avoid direct confrontation. Sometimes, they offer incongruent communication, by saying things like, “That’s fine. Whatever!” or “Well, if you don’t care about my feelings, then I guess you don’t need to do that.” They allow others to treat them poorly, and they refuse to admit their feelings are hurt.
9. They Manipulate People
Passive-aggressive people struggle to ask for what they want, and they resort to manipulative tactics to get their needs met. Instead of asking for help carrying a box, a passive-aggressive person may complain, “I’m probably going to hurt my back carrying that box upstairs all by myself.” They don’t mind others feeling sorry for them or taking pity on them—as long as it works to get their needs met.
Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior
If you’re prone to taking a passive-aggressive approach to life, there are steps you can take to become more assertive. When your words are in line with your emotions and your behavior, you’ll enjoy a much more authentic life.
If you spot signs of a passive-aggressive co-worker, friend, or family member, be willing to hold that person accountable. Allowing passive-aggressive people to shirk responsibility or avoid confrontation only reinforces their behavior.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, keynote speaker, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, a bestselling book that is being translated into more than 20 languages.
Stuart Keith
Dad's My Hero 